


Love is Mystical

by opiniatre_bea



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff, and everything in between
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 16:29:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11188965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/opiniatre_bea/pseuds/opiniatre_bea
Summary: Various moments throughout a relationship of Erin Gilbert and Jillian Holtzmann.





	Love is Mystical

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, I just want to kind of explain what I've done here. Basically I've taken a bunch of little wordy things on tumblr as inspiration to write for holtzbert. Technically these are all stand alone pieces so none of them are on the same timeline. I've done this because I just wanted to keep writing for them but not limit myself, or their story I guess.
> 
> I can't write anything too long these days but I don't want to post something so short every few days, so I'll be posting a few snippets together so there's something more to read.
> 
> If you like the idea, let me know. Or if you'd rather me post each chapter separately because it's confusing, tell me that too! I just want to write for this ship and this is the way I'm going for it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy these first ones though! xx

_( i. )_

 

 

> _she whispered to me  
>  “let me go.”_
> 
> _so I did._
> 
> _and I haven’t seen  
>  a soul  
>  like that_
> 
> _since._

 

They hadn’t been good in a long time. They didn’t _click_ anymore, and Erin couldn’t understand why. 

From day one it was like their relationship was written in the stars. Inevitable, perfect, dreamt up just for each other. Except just like a star, it started to die. It didn’t happen immediately; it was over a long time. They just started drifting away from each other, and it almost broke Erin into a million pieces.

They started to fight more and more, not agreeing on anything. Always another problem, always another issue. They couldn’t see eye to eye anymore.

It _hurt._ More than either of them could have imagined.

They were burning. Staying together simply made it worse, and Erin knew they should have separated, but there was a tiny part of her that told her not to give up. To not _fail_ this time, because whatever they had was something more beautiful than Erin had ever known, could have predicted. Just because it was broken, didn’t mean it wasn’t still beautiful. 

Being with Jillian was the one of the best things she ever did. She wouldn’t regret it in a million years, but it just wasn’t working anymore. 

Eventually it was Jillian who ended it. No matter how much Erin hurt, and could see how hurt Holtz was, she just couldn’t do it. She didn’t want Holtz to break anymore than she already was, _wouldn’t_ break Holtz any more.

Holtzmann had gone to her apartment late one night, tears in her eyes, hair down around her shoulders, framing her face, and messy. Erin had never seen her look so unlike herself, and she knew in that moment that they had to end it all. To put themselves out of the insane misery they were in.

“Erin,” she whispered, leaning against the doorway, cold love lacing her voice. “We have to _stop._ ”

Erin leaned forward, closing her eyes as she grabbed one of Holtz’s hands. “I know.”

“It’s _killing_ me- I-

She started to choke on her own words as she whimpered, more tears rolling down her cheeks. And in that moment Erin wanted to drop to her knees, hands clasped in front of her chest, and beg for forgiveness from the woman she felt like she had damaged irreversibly. 

But she couldn’t form any words. Erin had nothing to say. She didn’t _deserve_ forgiveness, so she never bothered to ask for it. She just pulled Holtz in, wrapped her arms around her, tighter than she could ever remember doing. Held on for dear life, because if something like them had started so beautiful, it deserved a beautiful ending at the very least.

They stood there for what seemed like hours, Erin swaying, almost rocking Holtz to a peaceful state, calming her down for perhaps the very last time.

Then Holtz mumbled those words. Three small words, that Erin would never forget, just like the first three small words she heard so many moons ago.

_“Let me go.”_

And Erin did. She released the woman that taught her that the most mundane things could be beautiful. The most unexpected things always had beauty hidden somewhere.

 

+

 

Years later Erin would realize; Jillian Holtzmann was the most beautiful person she had ever known. A beautiful woman, with a beautiful soul, and Erin knew she’d never find anyone as special as that in her life again.

 

* * *

 

 

_( ii. )_

 

 

> _You won’t do our things with another girl, or say the same things, will you?_

Erin had only wanted something casual. That’s what she had told Holtzmann, on the brightest and warmest of summer days. The sun in her hair, the heat on her skin, it had made her bold. It made her brave. Brave enough to ask Holtz if she wanted to hang out after work. Just the two of them.

Holtz had smiled, _smirked_ , and answered, “Sure, Gilbert. Just the two of us.” And Erin laughed as she danced upstairs to the lab. 

Two beers in and Erin confessed to liking Holtz.

Four beers in and Erin confessed to wanting something casual.

Six beers in and Erin called for a taxi and gave her address to the driver.

It was all Erin could handle at the time, _something_ with Holtzmann but not enough to be serious. Erin assumed Holtz didn’t want anything serious. She didn’t seem like the commit-to-one-person type, at least not to Erin. 

She thought she was giving Holtzmann what she wanted, but soon it wasn’t enough for her.

The jealous type; Erin never thought that was her. There was almost never a time in her past when she caught her mind drifting off to what her partner was doing, where they were, _who they were with._ She trusted them enough to not cheat on her, because trust is something people give to those they love. 

Not that she didn’t _trust_ Holtzmann now, but she caught her mind wandering a lot more than ever before since they started sleeping together.

When they met up on Sunday afternoons and got ice cream in the park. Or on a weeknight when they’d find themselves lying to Abby and Patty about already having plans after work. When they’d lie in bed next to each other and talk for hours and slowly fall asleep, soft breaths on skin, legs wrapped around each other.

Everything they did Erin loved. And after a few weeks she started to think about what Holtz was doing when she told Erin she already had plans. Or when she got a text and Holtz would smile when she read at it. 

Erin wanted to be the plans Holtz had, and she wanted to be the one who sends the texts to Holtz that make her smile. She wanted to be all of it.

It was driving her crazy.

And then it slipped from her mouth. Just a question, one that she hadn’t though about all day. 

They were sitting on Holtz’s couch, legs tangled and feet resting on the coffee table with a blanket shared between them. They’d gone out for pizza, then went home to stay in and watch movies for the rest of the night. It was just _so_ mundane, and Erin wondered.

Wondered if Holtz did that with other girls. So the question just sort of, happened.

“You don’t do the things we do with other girls, right?”

They’d never had a talk about being monogamous. In fact, Erin assumed that they weren’t, considering that first night she had said something along the lines of, “This isn’t gonna be serious, Holtz. I just want some fun, and for right now it’s with you, okay?”

To Erin that meant that Holtz could very well call up an old girlfriend the next night and hang out with her.

But now Erin was getting jealous, and she just _wondered._

“What do you mean, Erin?” Holtz didn’t seem to be listening properly to understand Erin’s meaning.

“Holtz, I _mean,_ pizza and movie nights, or talking until three in the morning nights, do you do that with other girls?” She paused, took the opportunity to stare at Holtz, and she found the woman already looking at her. After a breath Erin whispered, “I- Do- Do you tell other girls the same things you tell me?” 

“Erin,” Jillian sighed. Softly though, like what she was about to say was easy and already thought out. Like she thought she wouldn’t ever have to use her answer. “There’s never been anyone but you.”

It was then Erin kissed her. Softly, calmly, like she had all the time in the world.

Like Jillian wasn’t anyone else’s but hers.

 

* * *

 

 

_ ( iii. ) _

 

 

> _ I've never even kissed you or seen you naked. How could I be so in love with you? Because before I met you that's what I thought love was - make out sessions with heavy breaths in between. And now I know it can be stolen glances, discreet handholding or inside jokes that never get old. You taught me a lot, and I'd be forever grateful. _

 

It’s their first date when Erin knows she’s deeply in love with Jillian.

It’s not exactly something she can explain. She’s never even kissed the woman, never spent the night with her. Not like _that._ And yet somehow Erin just knows what she feels is real. It’s stronger and runs deeper than anything she’s ever felt in a past relationship.

See, Erin had thought she’d known love before, but this… _This,_ is something completely different. She feels like there are parts of the world she’s never seen but when her eyes settle on Jillian it’s like she knows secrets of the universe that no one has discovered before.

It’s in the way that when Erin looks at Jillian in the lab her body instinctively knows that Jillian will already be looking at her. It’s the way their hands touch when reaching for the same piece of pizza, or if they walk too close. It’s the way neither Erin or Jillian drift away from this closeness as they walk. It feels different and special, and if they’re behind Abby and Patty, Erin will grab Jillian’s hand and wind their fingers together and not think twice about it. She’ll simply smile.

It’s the way they laugh together and share stories, tell each other about their pasts. Not a single ounce of judgement between them. The way they speak in whispers in the middle of the night, not a soul to hear them but they share their secrets in silence because it’s _just for them._ It’s theirs.

Erin had fallen for Jillian a long time before their date, but she didn’t realise it until Jillian had told her what she was feeling first.

Erin thought love was dating for months, and making out whenever you wanted, and the making love in between it all. Hot breaths and heavier sighs. The intimacy of those moments; that’s what Erin thought love was.

But Jillian showed her the truth of it all. Taught her it was more than simply being together and naked. Taught her intimacy doesn’t have to be limited by what you do in the privacy of your own home, of your own bed.

It’s _everything else_ in between. Those glances, those hand touches, the openness and sheer _wanting_ for someone else to understand you and listen to you.

Yes, Erin now knows what love is. She owes that to Jillian Holtzmann, and she will be forever grateful.

 


End file.
